Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
