Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
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HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
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You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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