You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
