Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The Olympian is in my bed
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