I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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