I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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