I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
