I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
