i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
