well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
