my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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