Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
