Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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