Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
