I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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