Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
