I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
