I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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