sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
