I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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