whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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