Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
It was confusing and full of hummus
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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