I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
