Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
