Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
