I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
