Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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