I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
