He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
