i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
