Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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