we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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