Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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