then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
