If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
