I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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