my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
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