Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize