dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
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Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
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We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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