So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
