I'm gonna have a badass scar
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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