I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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