i don't like sucking hair
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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