That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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