This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
