Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just want to make out with him forever
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
