I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
All I want is dick and wine.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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