Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
