If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
