I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
