In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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