I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
