But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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