Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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