As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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