Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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