Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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